Monday, 16 January 2012

Taking the Red Carpet

You all know I never talk about celebs, brands, princess dresses or red carpets, but last evening my Twitter timeline was on fire about the Golden Globes, or, more accurately, about the Golden Globes' red carpet. It made me feel left out and isolated from society and general interest topics. So I've decided to exceptionally break my self-imposed silence on red carpet matters with an accelerated course, which I'm sure will be extremely useful to all my readers, on how to shine brighter than any other shooting star on the red carpet. It's really easier than it seems: just follow these simple steps and you'll find yourself the new it girl/it boy/new thing faster than you ever dreamed.
First of all, you need to know that the science of the Red Carpet nowadays is a bit like Derek Zoolander's famous trademark looks. There are three different options (in Derek's case those were Blue Steel, Ferrari and Le Tigre). On the Red Carpet we can call them something like Superstar Frontal, Sexy Back and Le Coy (I confess the names would need a little more work, yes). As for the fourth option, like Zoolander's mysterious Magnum, it's still work in process. So let's get down on it: grab a ruffled, bejewelled, laced, milefeuilled dress and start practicing!

1. Superstar Frontal

Focus: hips and bosom.
Difficulty: level 2
Impact level: fairly high
What this posture says about you: you're rich, successful and famous, aka a total winner, and you know it.

Just place all your weight on your left hip, slighty stepping up your right foot, while you grab your right hip with your right hand. Watch out not to lose your balance.Tip: never forget to hold your breath a bit so that your bosom will be mis en valeur as it rightly deserves. Like this:

Find it boring? Try this variation:

I recommend you practice these moves in front of the mirror 50 to 70 times before you try them in public. And don't forget facial expression: you should never appear serious, which might give paparazzis the false idea that your life is not completely perfect. Your mouth, however, should not be fashioned as a full on smile (except if you are Cameron Diaz, bless her) but as more of a haughty, ever-so-slightly disdainful smirk (after all you need to let know all those plebeians admiringly looking at you in Closer Magazine that you are not enjoying fame, but barely tolerating it).
I can only explain so much; but if you want lessons from a true master, by all means turn to Victoria Beckham: she absolutely dominates the Red Carpet!

You know you have succeeded in mastering this pose when all of your pictures could be put together and make you look like a cut-out doll who just wears interchangeable dresses.

2. Sexy Back

Focus: Tucchus and neck
Difficulty: Level 3
Impact level: super high. Very popular among straight male paparazzis (and non-paparazzis).
What this posture says about you: You're hot.

Put all your weight in one of your hips (you can be creative here and chose whichever one of your two hips you prefer!) and bend your lower back as far out as you can to make your tush appear rounder, bigger, juicier. Next on, lower your shoulders and elongate your neckline all you can. Then look back seductively over your shoulder and for God's sake try not to get a stiff neck or any other injury.

This time our uncanny cardboard doll, ahem, best teacher is my compatriot Elsa Pataky! Check out that yummy behind.

Another tip: when practicing any one of this varieties, it's very important that you make sure to look as much like a Barbie as possible. It will give you star points. Because, after all, Barbie is a star, isn't she?

3. Le Coy

Focus: eyes and pout
Difficulty: level 1
Impact level: ambivalent. Usually low among the male genre but ultra popular with girls.
What this posture says about you: you're purer than the Virgin Mary, more innocent than Saint Bernadette de Lourdes and more perfect than perfection itself.

This option is a bit different than the rest, suitable only for very young, very girly starlettes. I strongly recommend short skirts and dresses (after all your legs don't look like pencils for nothing) with a subtle childlike touch. Also this time, whatever you do, do not put all of your weight on just one of your hips. Balance it between the two instead. Try to keep as upright as possible, your curves should not show. The posture will never be composed of vulgarly feminine bodily attributes like breasts or bottoms, but will be full of delicacy instead. The options are endless: coily play with your bag or clutch, cross your legs way too much in a movement of very controlled clumsiness or twist your feet towards the inside. You can also display your skirt like a 6 year-old child. If you're cute and pure and virginal enough, you can get away with that.

As for facial expression: lower your chin ever so delicately, take a deep breath and pout with all your might. Then open your eyes as much as you can and look up. Be enigmatic, be melancholy, be even a bit apologetic. After all, you only came to fame by chance, but you are so much more distinguished than your average hip-holding star... Find this difficult? Maybe one of these three mantras will help you:
1."why have they brought me here to photograph me?"
2. "Puppy eyes. Puppy eyes. Puppy eyes".
3. "If I can stand being photographed for 5 more minutes Karl will invite me to his villa in Cannes".

See? And just like that, you're ready to take the Red Carpets of the world up by a storm! Oh, just some last minute tips never to be forgotten:
spontaneous smiles? Never! They could make people think that you're actually having fun and enjoying your fame and what's more common than openly enjoying one's own stardom?
Personality? What for? You don't need it! You've got every established brand offering you its most expensive clothes to display!
Daring to be different? Sure fire path towards social suicide.

And finally, whatever you do, never learn anything from any of the people above! After all, why should you learn anything? You're already a celebrity! And being a celebrity is all that counts in the Western World...


  1. When I grow up I wanna be just like you! Marta eres tantísisisisimo arte!

    Besos, M.

    PD. Me encanta el momento cut out doll con MaryVicky! Es tan ella!

  2. Me encanta!! Qué genial!!! Y cuánta razónn!
    He de decir que en un arrebato de locura he intentado poner la postura de la Vicky y casi me parto la espalda jajajajaja
    me encantan las fotos de esa gente vulgar que sonríe sin ningún tipo de pudor haciéndonos saber que se lo pasan bien jajaja

    Enhorabuena por tan acertado post :)

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Thanks for your lovely comments.